Sometimes when I sit down at my computer I just want to type really fast clikkity-clik-clik-clik and say "I'm hacking into the mainframe now! What's the secret access code?!?" like they do in every movie (Sneakers being a perfect example of lines like this).
I set up Blogapalooza to motivate my friends to share thoughts longer than the average status update & I'm flattered that many responded. And here I am, 12:40am trying to fit in a short blog in lieu of a homework reading about 19th Century Parisian caricature drawing and the study of physiognomy (snore). I suddenly became stressed about not being able to blog on Blogapalooza. How ironic. How is it we set aside no leisure time for something that gives us so much pleasure or allows us to express in print what may be keeping us awake at night?
Of course it was all meant for fun, but what it really comes down to is missing the larger than life personalities of a lot of my friends. I can't get enough, which is why I frequent Facebook so often. I'm trolling for any signs of life. Some people have accounts but never post, some people are too cool to even have an account, or they decide to commit Facebook suicide and delete their account with no warning. I feel the loss because I like to think I pay attention. Facebook is not enough but at the same time I honestly would not even know anything about 195 of my 207 friends if I wasn't on Facebook. Some people stay in touch by traditional means & I'm so envious of their effort.
I miss you guys. I miss the times we had, whether casual or private, or the times maybe we never had at all. They won't happen again and it's hard to face this. (I de-friended some Facebook boys who cared about me once (or did they?) but never said a thing to me during my whole tumor crisis. I did the "dumping" this time -- ha! (Let's here it for very lame victories!))
Originally this blog was about my brain tumor, and I wanted to close it out & begin a third blog fresh. It seems like three blogs for an infrequent writer is too many! How I dream about waking up, kids on the bus, some quiet meditation time, hot coffee (no, it would be tea in this world), I go to my study & log onto my laptop (a Mac) and blog about my kooky/crazy yet ultimately, fulfilling life, because I'm rather well off. I would chronicle the odyssey of being a stay-at-home mother even though the kids are in daycare. I would do this everyday and other mothers would spread the word about my funny blog, and then I would get more $$ from posting advertisements, and them WHAM! I write a book! I do wish this. And to be skinny. But at the same time, wouldn't it be weird to have a bunch of strangers reading your daily thoughts? And you know, I don't want to be an asshole. I want to be happy, and stable. And, I have to ask myself -- is it really any one's business anyway?
So, this concludes my thoughts this early morning. There is a lot I want to write about, including a tidy wrap up of my whole brain surgery & associated problems which linger. Then I can let that go. Lots of loss experienced lately by Montana folk, my friend Drew, and of course Japan. Strange days in March. Hail Caesar!