Oh, some mornings I do just want to be my old self. I know I had this change in attitude, and it's still with me, but reality is always present. Household bills, pervy notes to my daughter from her seatmate on the bus (got that taken care of this morning, thanks Ethan!), the neighbor's landscaper who was supposed to wait a MONTH at least before driving through our yard (it's swampy from the rain) to pick up his refuse, but drove through today, leaving foot deep muddy ruts and may possibly be stuck as I type. As I mentioned on Facebook, the horrible Billy Corgan article in Rolling Stone. What happened? He was always a jerk but the music was good, so it didn't matter. He is so lost right now it was hard to read. You like to be inspired by people, especially those who create, but what a dud.
I gotta stay strong! This stuff can still bring me down a bit, but the important part is not hanging on to it. I told Ethan the other night after a disagreement that I would never bring it up again. (WHAT? I'm the champion of grudges!) But I need to resolve things quickly (as Lt. Gorman would say "smooth and by the numbers") and then just forget it.
I did have a minor breakdown a few nights ago, and cried for a long time. Sobbed. It wasn't therapeutic, but it had to happen. It's all part of facing the past, present, and future. I try to stay in the present as much as possible, especially with my daughters -- their childhood is really so short -- so when I'm there I'm there. Nothing matters except what we're doing. Every once in a while though I'll lose that focus, and that's when I get in trouble. This morning I said to Ethan "I just want to me normal again, I'm tired of being so slow." But what I should have been thinking is "I need to do my leg exercises today so I won't be so slow". Right? Ugh. Self-help meditations have always been so corny to me.
Last week in C-ville we ran into Dr. DuMont (neuroradiologist miracle worker) who said "You may be a little surprised at how slow your recovery may be". I need to consider that and do what I can to speed it along instead of just sitting and feeling sorry for myself.
And just for fun:
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I pity the fool!!!! And I'm so intrigued by this Billy Corgan thing. What the heck did he write that has you so upset? That jerk. And I SO don't blame you for hating those meditations. They are silly, even tho they may work (do they?) Are you still typing one-handed? If you are, I'm amazed at what you've accomplished already. Keep on fighting, babe.ReplyDelete