Sunday, February 21, 2010

Train I Ride

Oh God I think my house may be the cleanest, well organized, cozy little bit of heaven ever right now.  It is nearly 3am and laundry is drying, art prints and pictures framed, new fixtures put up in bathrooms, storage solutions in effect in the kid's playroom...I broke the bank but the fridge is stocked.  Ethan was a real gent and cleaned out all the rotten food from it about an hour ago.  There was a little jug of milk in there from last May and various other fuzzy things.

I just want things nice for my family, my in-laws, and me when I get back.  I already stashed a pint of Chunky Monkey in the freezer.  If I wasn't having other issues I would assume I was pregnant and doing the major nesting thing.  *tweet tweet*

Thanks for all of your comments -- and thanks for reading.  It's been great expressing myself in this way, and it really takes me back to when I kept a journal.  (Though I have read my old journals and they must be burned before Josie can ever read them -- stupid drama! Yilch.)  I appreciate the depth (and humor!) of some of the comments and personal messages.  I mean, this is intense! I can only be better for it and if I can draw on all this love and loveliness, maybe I can make myself a better person.  I hope this feeling stays with me after all I recover, otherwise (as my pal T.S. Eliot would say): I "had the experience but missed the meaning" or something like that.  I will probably take his "Four Quartets" with me into the hospital, along with "Just Kids" by Patti Smith.  I assume I'll be able to read and I'll assume I'll get bored! One can hope, right? I just want to be normal!

And yes, tonight I did tell Ethan: "I don't want to do this.  I really don't."  I believe it came out as a sort of whine, but more dreadful.  I mean, really, this sucks!

Okay, I'm over it.  Love you all!   


  1. Cathy, all I can say is that I love you so very much. This does suck- bigtime. (I so wish I was going to be your nurse through this! Oh we would be silly!) What I know from nursing that the shock of such things can either be a shroud or a prism. So far it definitely seems the later for you and that is large part a measure of your heart.. You are beautiful. Always here- sar

  2. Whaaaa?!?!?! You're not excited about someone opening up your skull and playing "Operation?" You don't wake up in the morning and think, "I can't wait for the menu of synthetic hospital food and the smell antiseptic laced decay wafting in the halls!" What's wrong with you???? :)

    I'm gonna go out on a limb here Hon, but I'm fairly certain there aren't many people clamouring to get to the front of the line in order to have a pesky, invasive mass removed from there unassuming noggin'. I'm betting your not wanting to do this is a normal reaction, huh?

    This little blurb is in no way meant to minimize your very real fear...only to make you chuckle.

    So let's put that anxiety at bay, shall we? This made me think of you...

    "What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed?
    And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven
    and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower?
    And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand?
    Ah, what then?"

    What then, indeed?

    I love you to the moon and back. Wait...that's not far enough...